And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
