I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
40s are totally the cure
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
