my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
