I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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