it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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