I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
