Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
