i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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