The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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