After last night, I could never be a politician.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
