Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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