God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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