don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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