She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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