just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
