Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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