marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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