i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
