i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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