I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
