I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
