I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
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Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
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If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
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