you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize