At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
