you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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