Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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