life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
