My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
