please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
