So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
are you so shy because you have an std?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
