forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
