Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
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We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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