Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
