It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
