Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
