I'm jealous of your bromance
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
