Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
