You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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