I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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