I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
