Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
