so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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