You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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