dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
