well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
