Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
