I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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