how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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