Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Farmville is her only friend.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
