She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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