worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
