Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.