Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
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I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
They have beer where we have blood.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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