My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
