I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
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i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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