I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
