i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
barbara walters just said penis...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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