my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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