my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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