I'm so fucking centered right now
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
